Chinese wedding dinner checklist

Don't you think Chinese wedding dinners are never completed without a few must-haves? Today I attended one and I think it's time to compile the list of essentials so those planning for a Chinese wedding can have a comprehensive checklist!

1. Starting late
Never mind the fact that the invitation stated the commencement of the dinner to be 7.30pm! Be sure to initiate it well after 8pm. 9pm? Sure! No problem! Don't worry about your guests being hungry. If they are experienced, they will know better than to come with an empty stomach.

2. Wet tissues
This is for the benefit of eldery men. There must be something terribly alluring about the smell of packet wet tissues that many men like to use it to clean their faces and necks. Some even go as far as to wipe their chests with the fast-turning-yellow tissues. Must be that it provides the much-needed cooling down after all the alcohol.

3. The dishes
One Chinese wedding dinner is quite similar to the others in terms of the fare presented. It almost always commences with a

Cold dish (My personal favourite!)

Within this dish, there must be something fried, something cold (duh), something well-seasoned and something smelly (century eggs???)... Heh heh... But everything will taste good with the some fantastic chilli. So if you cannot afford expensive ingredients, at least provide the best chilli.

Shark fins. This picture shows a bird (I think chicken?) with the fins inside.

Remember to provide a truckload of vinegar (red is supposed to be better?) and unlimited pepper supply. Also off the fans (if any) for this dish. You don't want your guest sneezing everywhere from the pepper vapor.

Fish. Eh? Why this one don't have the silver plate with the solid fuel underneath? No kick.

Fishy is usually the angular pomfret with an arsenal of sour plums within it. Want to save money on drinks? Ask the kitchen not to use the usual LARGE amount of MSG for this dish. Gah!

Prawns.

You also don't want to be accused of being a miser right? Chinese leh. 面子 is extremely important. Make sure your guests get their ang paos worth! Prawns are must-haves! Please remove the black shits inside also.

Dessert.

Help keep traditional dishes alive! Like the oh-so-delicious Teochew yam paste for instance! These days, it's so darn hard to find good yam paste. Any recommendations? By the way, those they sell at the foodcourts are very expensive! About $3.50 per serving while most other hot desserts are only at $1.50 a pop.

According to psychological findings, people remember the first and the last things of a list the best. So with dessert being the last dish, give them something better than canned longans to remember the wedding dinner by!

4. Cheek-pinching elderlys
If you have kids, I recommend that you starve them about 2 weeks prior to the event to prevent them from suffering bruises from all the you're-oh-so-cute cheek pinching ceremonies that are prevalent at wedding dinners. Of course these elderlys mean well but I think they underestimate their strengths alot. Why else would there be so many...

5. Noisy children

There must have been something that make them wail the way they ALWAYS do at wedding dinners right? Non-stop. Some of these children will be running around and making a nuisance of themselves. If they fall, they will always get sympathy from nearby adults! Why? Life is so unfair.

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Anyone wants to employ me as wedding planner???