Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Women on women

You know sometimes how you sit in on one of those male conversations and the guys are comfortable enough to discuss in detail the merits of a certain girl, say X. In one of the rare occasions where all the guys agree that she’s the hottest thing around, they will turn to you, expecting you to be nodding your head. Well, very hesitantly, you give your opinion.

“I don’t think so.”

There will be an extremely loud cacophony of “how can”s, “have you seen her?”s, “you know who we're talking about?”s, “are you sure?”s and “did you check out her face/boobs/legs/hair/smile/eyes/butt?”s. And then, when the commotion dies down, one representative will exclaim:

“You must be sour grapes!”

In disbelief, you turn to the rest of the group and find identical “Ah ha! This must be it!” expressions on their faces.

“Yeah! Jealous of her issit?”
“Must be wan la!”
“You are just bitching!”
“Cannot stand people prettier than you hor!”
“Ok lah! You also pretty lah!”

You know what you have contributed is your honest opinion but to continue in this is suicide because you are outnumbered. It is not that you are so weak-minded that you are swayed by their argument. It is also not that you want acceptance from the guys. It is because you know, from experience, that there is NO WAY of making the guys see X in the same unflattering light as you. I guess it might be how guys feel when they know that their girlfriends/wives are rather on the plump side (yet you love them anyway, I know) and have been asked the question “Honey, do I look fat in these jeans?”

You feel the sweat drip down your face as you struggle for a quick comeback. Your palms grow clammy as you try to find a way to be truthful and yet not incite another round of what just occurred. She IS not pretty mah!/Your hinny is big darling, butIloveyouanyway. Seconds seem like an eternity and after swallowing hard, you only have two words for them.

“Ok lor…”

This is not you saying you have really conceded that X is pretty or that the love of your life does not have a butt that is not in-your-face (the way you like it actually); rather, it’s just about you wanting to avoid another series of what just transpired. Males tend to have this idea that women naturally cannot get along. While they are formulating this thought, they will conveniently overlook how your best friend is a fellow member of the gender or that you have a good working relationship with your female supervisor. Then you are simply classified as having one of those envious hissyfits for failing to appreciate that X’s legs are till there, her boobs are out there and her eyes are definitely on there.

Ah well. Must be because the blood is all somewhere there other than in their brains.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Help me help yourself

I take offence when opportunists target me. Do I look stupid? You can try to be opportunistic with me but don’t think I’ll let you take advantage of me.

I don’t think I am a particularly petty kind of person. To be honest, reciprocity is the way to get through to me. You be nice to me, I’ll be nice to you. Take me as someone who will help you without getting any mutual benefits in the long run is just treating me as a moron. I have no idea why some people find it so easy to ask for favors.

“Can you help me with this?” Seriously, I don’t mind that if I can help you and it’s on the way and not TOO inconvenient for me. At the same time, I also need to sense that you are not being a lazy ass. A few times lazy is fine but do not make me out to be your maid who runs your errands and not get paid (tangibly or intangibly) for it. I mean I help friends because I know they will do the same for me. I am not a saint who will just help and help some undeserving person and hope someday he/she will see that I am being a friend. “Do unto others what you want others to do unto you”? Yeah, that makes sense.

Reciprocity is also one of the factors suggested by social psychologists to get people to find you attractive. So if you have been treating those around you as servants to command about and are still single, you know why now.

Work

I was thinking about the time when I would enter the workforce. Somehow it seems like a very superficial place to me. I wonder if anyone can be part of the labor group without succumbing to the office politics or without saying things they don’t really mean. There probably are people like this, the same people who are still in their initial positions on the corporate hierarchy.

A quick poll around revealed that most of my friends share my sentiments: we have had lofty ideals about “making it on our own”, but we now realize the world doesn’t work that way. You need to network, to socialize, to get contacts just so you get some strings to pull. Even at the top, it’s all about meeting the right people, being seen at the right parties, wearing the right stuff and saying the right things. Blatant lies are crossing the line because how do you compliment something the sight of which makes you feel like puking? But I guess there are people who do that.

I went to visit a few of my friends while they were working and I felt that I was seeing a whole new side of them. Better or worse is not the issue; they were aliens. This was not the Ah Ba I know who had not qualms about throwing his head back and engaging in a “Laugh the loudest” competition with me and that was not the Ah Han who enjoyed digging her nose and was not afraid to recommend the activity to everyone else around. Instead both were so homogenized by the working world that they would murmur niceties to their colleagues at appropriate times and laugh at jokes we would have rolled our eyes at. They were being sucked into the corporate black hole! Somewhere along the way from secondary school to undergraduate life, I realized that my laughter had gone done by several decibels, my heels gone up a few inches and my command of compliments expanded by numerous words.

So now, our new rationale is to pull whatever strings we can find because you do not get ahead by being “nice” and “proper”. And to make friends whom we find really funny now. It would help if they have a large social circle for us to leech onto.

*I realize that I have painted a rather bleak picture of the corporate world and I am sure that it is not all like that. This is just me waking up hours before I have to and being unable to get back to sleep. +_+

Monday, August 29, 2005

I hate emoticon wars

You know how you can get customized emoticons for your MSN nowadays? I have a love-hate relationship with them. I love how you can inject these cutsy, moving pictures into your conversation to portray an image of being oh-so-sweet. Or use those with sexual connotations for well... connotations of other ideas.

What I hate is when it becomes a war with the other communication party. In the middle of the conversation, I will innocently put out one emoticon to make a point. Usually it is the one where nose-digging is thoroughly enjoyed:


What I am actually saying is "Pi sai to you!"


Then the other party will be all enraged and want to show his/her collection of emoticons, presumably returning with one that is meant to offend:


What the crap does this mean anyway? "Move your bowels"? I just did and thank you for asking about it.


Then, you know the challenge has been issued. So for the next 20 minutes, the most senseless kind of warring goes on, even more brainless than flaming. You just click and click and click. It is like a game of Snap: you just put down your cards and try to get as many cards as you can. The person who runs out of cards first loses. And in the meantime, you also collect more cards.

I know this is infantile and I can simply not reciprocate. But honor demands it and I shall triumph in this war of the emoticons! Muah, muah, muahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Cross-cultural exchange

During the break of one of my lessons, I was listening to a conversation between my friend, a Vietnamese and a guy, a Brazilian.

Friend (F): Can I ask you some questions about Spanish?
Guy (G): Sure. I only know a little bit though.

Then F proceeded to ask G about the niceties of the language. I simply had to interject when they paused for an interval between pronouncing “Hola”s, “Ola”s and “Buenas noches”s.

Jllt (to F): Why are you asking all these?! I would be interested in the vulgarities!
G: Yeah! Me too! Let’s learn some vulgarities.

And so we did. Isn’t it strange how you can struggle with the foreign greetings while cursing comes so easily? After some exchanges of the primary and mild swearwords in Mandarin and Spanish (“Hijueputa!!!”), M, a Japanese joined in.

M (to me): Hey! I want to ask you a question.
Jllt: Yep?
M (loudly): WHAT DOES CHEE BYE MEANS?

I nearly fell off my chair and when I composed myself, I realized no one around me lifted a brow at his question. I felt a sense of empowerment: I can swear in class now and no one will know what I’ve just said! So I went on in our very interesting cross-cultural exchange to explain to them what cb, lj and knnbccb all means. But I noticed that M’s brows were furrowed.

Jllt (to M): Eh! What’s wrong?
M: Now I know why Chinese look at me strangely when I tell them I came from Chiba, Japan.

I share his pain.

Analyze this

I walked into the lift and press the button to my level. Just as the doors were closing, a girl and another guy walked in. The doors closed and we were on our way. You know how Roald Dahl wrote of the lift in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, where it goes sideways, upwards, and diagonally? Well, it was like that and more. It moved at supersonic speed and refused to stop at where we wanted to. At first I thought it was rather cool because I might get to stop right at my door, like the lifts that lead up to penthouse. But I realized that it wasn’t going to stop.

It was then that I felt someone gripping my right arm. The girl was digging her fingernails right into my flesh, leaving white imprints on my now-clammy skin. Hey woman! I am scared too. The lift moved relentlessly from side to side, plunging from top to bottom in a second. When will it ever stop? We were all screaming, yet somehow we could not hear ourselves against the din our hearts were making in our chests. The guy was gripping the railing tightly, a thin film of perspiration on his upper lip.

Suddenly, it stopped. The interior was dented like a car involved in a car crash, like a tofu that was just hit by a hammer. Miraculously, the doors slide open and it was where the guy wanted to go. Still stunned by the paranormal ride, he stood rooted to the ground. For some reason, we were edging him to get out which in retrospect did not make any sense because we should have gotten out too instead of staying around to suffer the terrible lift ride that, hopefully, might take us to our destinations. It was all very strange. He walked out gingerly, and turned back once to look at us. There we stood, gesturing at him to hurry and be on his way.

The doors closed again and this time the lift was not just going to take us on a ride. Without warning, it plummeted downwards and crashed. I felt the blood beginning to flow back into my right arm. When I turned, I instantly knew she was dead as soon as I saw her.

I sat up straight in bed with my arms flailing above my head. Finally, I have woken up from the nightmare. But I was overcome by a strange compulsion and bit the tip of my third finger off my right hand. I remember staring at the exposed flesh and wondering why it wasn’t spurting blood.

Then I woke up for real, fingertip still attached.

Maybe you can help me analyze this nightmare. I just want a good night sleep.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

The adventures of 黄熊熊 (Groceries)

I is on a going out trip to the grocery shop today because tomorrow I is cooking a meal for 美狗狗! I is thinking of getting seafood for a nice seafood stew and something else but I is first time see so many strange prawns:


Why is the prawns naked and red? I is think they are matching for my red tee! I is usually see prawns in grayish colors. I is wondering why prawns with tails are more expensive because we is do not eat the tails anyway. Marketing gimmick – tails are nutritious?


I is decided to buy uncooked prawns for my cooking. I is prefer to see grayish normal prawns. Later I is decided to get some potatoes because you cannot have too much potatoes. Potatoes in French fries, in rosti, in chips, baked, boiled, mashes, fried, curried or steamed also can. But I is think my red tee is having a big influence on the food in the supermarket because:


The potatoes are red too! Where is the brown, dirty potatoes I is used to?!



I is think this potato is albino? Do you know albino animals can hardly survive in the wild because they is cannot camouflage? I is have a albino bear friend called 小白熊 and he is very poor thing because he is always have to wear a synthetic bear coat when he is go out because he is don’t want hunters to shoot him. Wearing fur coat in summer is very horrible and 小白熊 always sweat until dehydrated. That’s why I is cannot think why Michael Jackson want to be white color.


I is walk and walk around the supermarket because I is want to find something for one of my dishes. Do you know of how sometimes you is thinking of something but that something refuses to come out? It is like that something is sitting outside the memory part of your brain then you is need to force your brain to grab IT. But usually you is cannot grab IT so you is need to think of things related to IT to find IT. So I is walking around and around wondering what I is want to get because I is remember thinking about IT but just don’t know what IT is. IT is going to get it from me! I is also don’t understand why people is always saying you is going to get it from them. What is it? A present, a chocolate or an ice-cream? I is headache. But I is know for sure what I is want to give IT. I is tell you a secret: when you cannot remember what IT is, you don’t think about IT because IT is trying to be funny. When you is give up, IT is come out. So I is finally found it when I is pondering over what “get it from me” means:


It is the best tomato sauce in the world! Heinz’s! But I is angry so I is chose the squeezable bottle so IT is really going to get it from me. It = squeeze. Next time you tell people they is going to get it from you, please specify what it is going to be so no one will get disappointed when they found out it is not diamond ring.


I is also want to find something sweet to end the meal with. So I is go to see desserts. But I is have a daymare! I is saw the fridge and thinking about how horrible it would be to be trapped inside.


I is remember seeing this show called 迷离夜 where a man is unknowingly dropped a coin into a wishing well and he is later say “多么希望可以永远留在这个时刻” in the carpark because he is having fun with a girl on their date. And they is later keep driving in circles in the carpark and cannot get out because he is made a wish! From then on, I is don’t want to buy clothes with pockets where coins can drop into a wishing well. And I is wondering whether the amount you dropped in will matter. Maybe you is get your wish for 50 times longer if you dropped a $50 note rather than a $1 coin.


But I is think it will be more better if I is make something for 美狗狗 because the dessert can be sweeten by my love for her. *gig gig* So I is decided to get yogurt and some fruits for the grand finale:


Yogurt with fresh fruits! You is don’t think I is buy spoiled kiwi: I is got golden kiwi that is less sour and sweeter than green kiwi! I is read on magazine that Zespri’s kiwi is an aphrodisiac! It is has an amino acid called arginine that aid blood circulation and has been utilized in the treatment of male impotence! But I is have no worries because you is hear how people use bear’s gall bladders as aphrodisiacs? They is don’t know that it is only good when we is attached to our parts.


I is hope 美狗狗 will like my food. I is planned to start cooking at 3pm so I is have time to shower before she comes so I is can smell 香香. By the way, I is having problems with sleeping. Can you suggest anything I is can do? I is don’t want to turn into panda bear. I is don’t like to be monochromic.

Monday, August 22, 2005

The adventures of 黄熊熊 (Harbortown)

Hello everybody! I is had a great time with 美狗狗! So much fun that I is spent 15hrs outside! But that is not considered a lot under doggy years so 美狗狗 was very happy! We did not go to Gold Coast as she said but we is went to Harbortown! I is shocked at how women shop! Firstly we is take the car to go there because it is very far, about 45 minutes drive. And it is a hot day.


Me is wondering how long it will take to go there on bicycle. I is do not own a bicycle also. ):


But along the motorway, I is found out I is wanted!


I is hope not many people want to eat bear paw here or dog meat. U notice how the clouds in the sky is pointing towards the direction we is traveling? U is only but to follow the clouds to find us!


I is happy to be traveling with my camerawoman, driverman and laughingwoman! But most of all, I is happy that 美狗狗 nv flew my aeroplane! But she is shy so there will be no photos of her. I is not willing to share too! I is recommending Red Hot Chili Peppers’ Californication album for zooming down the highway at minimum of 110kmph. Camerawoman is very noisy because she is sings out of tune and laughed like the irritating hyena.

Luckily driverman can keep his cool although he is always asking her to shut up. I is think camerawoman is suffering from lack of sleep because she is told me she is never sleep the night before. I is surprised. I is think people never sleep would be tired and quiet but she is crazy, screaming suddenly, making stupid jokes like asking people what is the surname of a boy named happy and squeezing me. I is do not like to be squeezed. Unless by 美狗狗. *gig gig*

In order to escape camerawoman’s siaoness, I is think about what I is will do for the LOML (Love Of My Life). I is will:


Get bitten by giant rats*…



Hang from big black blood-sucking bats*…



And face scary ghosts*!


Yes, I is think I is will hand myself on a colorful plate for 美狗狗:


But I is not going to include cutlery.


We is reached!


I is the star dammit! Why I is blurred in this pic?


You is wondering what is Harbortown? I is give you clue. It is the place that allow women to go crazy and even men can go crazy here! The crazy for women will be good but for men it is no good. Why? It is a place full of factory outlets! So women can shop till they drop while men will carry and pay until wallet drop!


I is found a poster with my color! I is do not understand this advertisement. We is have two hind paws. Does it means we is get right shoe at original price and left shoe at 40% less? I is headache.


We is walk and walk. Then camerawoman is buy and buy. I is think she is crazy from no sleep. But I is having a good time because I is with 美狗狗. She is allow me to ride on her from time to time. I is like her furry back. She is has no fleas at all!

Suddenly, I is saw a weird-looking chicken:


Why is it crying?


I is know! Because I is its predator! I is love chicken!


I is wondering now why no one set up foundation to stop people from eating vegetables. Animals are alive, plants are alive. Why there is a difference? I is headache again. But I is found this argument from Peta. I is do not see the reasoning? No pain then no need to save? Why is people so worried about this girl who cannot feel pain then?


I is want to stop thinking so I is take photo with camerawoman who is a fellow chicken lover:


At this time, she is without sleep for 18 hours. I is sleepy already because I is bear that hibernate in winter. She is crazy. I is think all women got shopping no need anything else.


I is then follow them shop and shop. When it is time to go for dinner, I is surprised when I is reached the car:


There is no more cars even though the sky still so bright at 5pm! The parking lots is no more when we arrived. Now there space to park aeroplane, submarines, and maybe a Titanic. Opp! No more Titanic now.


We is went to eat Asian food. I is had more chicken!


It is nasi lemak. The leaves on top of the rice look like a pair of green kidneys!


I is told camerawoman I is want to spend more time with 美狗狗. She is give me a strange look and laughed loudly again. She is crazy but she is heard me so we is go to café later. I is a happy bear.

I is order a big muga cino to share with 美狗狗.


I is gentlebear and let 美狗狗 eat the foam and chocolate powder on top.


It is very sweet. I is hear many males do not like to share food. I is think it is romantic when sharing with the correct dog because you is feed me I is feed you. But I is do not like to share with girls who order salads and pick on my steak. Grrrrrrrrrrr… Luckily, 美狗狗 has a voracious appetite, eating a whole packet of pig’s ears.

I is want to impress 美狗狗 so I is ask camerawoman, driverman and laughingwoman to play daidee. Because I is a daidee expert. No other bears I know know how to play this complex game. But lousy camerawoman gave me a bad hand:


How can you win with this set?


Suddenly, camerawoman dropped onto the table. She is used up her adrenaline because there is no more shopping. So I is wake her up to let her lick our muga cino cup for some caffeine:


Humans are weak just like Stelarc said the body is obsolete. She is wearing thick peacoat and without sleep for 23hours. I is wearing thin red tee. She is lousy!


We is decided it is enough when laughingwoman also dropped onto table so we is head home. I is think women will die without shopping.


* I is thank my friends at Ikea for posing with me to show my readers my thinking. U is rawks!

Saturday, August 20, 2005

The adventures of 黄熊熊 (Gold Coast)

HELLO EVERYBODY!!! U MUZ B WONDERING WHY I IS UP SO EARLY!!! 美狗狗 ASKS ME OUT AGAIN!!!


I IS A HAPPY DOG!


THATS Y I IS NO LONGER LIKE THAT!!!


I IS SLEEPS NAKED!!!


WISH ME A FUNS TRIP!!! I IS WILL TELL U ABT IT LATER!!!

Thursday, August 18, 2005

The adventures of 黄熊熊

Hello everybody! I is the黄熊熊 aka HXX. Prease to meat every1! 2day, I is will share with u my going out adventures! It started when 美狗狗 asked me out on MSN:


Isn’t she the cutest?


Of course I is could not refuse her! But later she flew me aeroplane. )): But nvm, I is able 2 have fun by myself as you can see!

I is woke up very early wor. By 8am I is already in the car on my way around town. Got proof wan!


I is nv adjust the clock to lie to u ok!


I is having a good time looking out the car:


I is looking at a house that is for sale. I is thinking of moving out because my house now is too small to put my one red tee. What do u think?


But I is very scared when I is saw a bigger bear about 10”. So I is hurry to hide:


This is the secret compartment in the car I is built for emergencies like this.


Tada! I is reached the XXXX! You want to guess what it is?


No, no, it is not the same as XXX!


It is a brewery! Then I is walk around it until I is saw this big wheel.


It is also red and yellow like me so I is think that it is my friend, must take picture.


But the place is got alcohol. So I is feeling faint, must rest awhile.


This is my portable bed, a bit hard leh.


Then I is regained my strength and I is walking along. As I is strolling, I is thinking to myself, it would be great to be in Paris. It is a romantic place and I is would like to bring 美狗狗 there someday. After I is got the courage to ask her be my wife! (I is wonder what our children would look like.) I is must have been thinking very hard because I is at Paris!


See the tower behind me? I is in Paris.


But I is got too excited so I is stopped thinking, then I is brought back to Brisbane where I is shocked again! You know why Centro and Samsara closed in Singapore? I is tell you!



They moved to Brisbane! I is think they want to start their own Mohammad Sultan here in Milton, Brisbane. So secretive! Remember, I is the one who told you this first!


I is feeling tired so I is went home and eat strawberry yogurt. I is very lucky! The strawberries were spilling out of the cup!


This is my meal of the day.


I is tired now so I is going to sleep. Not very good to sleep immediately after eating. I is hope I is dun get fat.

Uber belated recommendation

I know I am retarded in this but watch Trainspotting if you can!


If not the whole show then at least this scene:


What the fuck is the droolsome and sometimes naked (in the show) Ewan McGregor doing? Watch the show la!


A*!

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

树也会大便?

There I was, minding my own business, rushing to the hostel office to get my phone activated before it closed at 4.30pm (Yes, that's the working hours here), when this dried brown poop dropped down from nowhere:


The tree was shitting! And it had lots more where that came from. Somemore, the shit will sometimes explode to give off tinier shits!


Aye, you know spring is coming when 树开始大便! I just hope I don't get caught when it has a diarrhoea.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Ekka day! YEE HA!

As promised, here’s the post about the day-long trip at Ekka! What is Ekka in the first place? I think it has some agricultural roots but to be sure, look up its website la. From my perspective, the Ekka is about spending money and getting almost nothing back after a trip to the loo! I spent a grand total of A$78 and here’s what I got:


The frog croaks out songs and the Winnie the pooh is so horribly distorted that it’s adorable!


Aren’t they adorable? I love quirky shits like this. To be honest, I was trying my hand at this game to win one of these big ass stuffed toys, preferably a Kermit:


Homer also cute! Doh!


But never mind! I had chance to flirt with the guy working at the stall. Maybe that’s why he gave me Winnie? I also don’t know wor. But that game leeched me of $10 lah! I think the giant stuffed toys also ‘Made in China’ like almost everything else in Australia. So there was the funfair with the money-sucking games and rides:


Boinggg cost A$30 ok! You give me money I use my zero-point send you bouncing la!



Want to check out the view from the ferris wheel? Sure! Only A$5 and you can also go home with a runny nose and a frozen butt.


The rides were all so similar to what we have in Downtown East that I had no interest to try any. Furthermore, need to pay wor! I is poor student! So I only took this bone-numbing, liquid-nitrogen-temperature A$5.50 ride that hung my housemate and I half-way up in the middle of no frikking where, that made our teeth chattered ceaselessly, our long shoulder-length hair stood on ends and our damn pictures turned out with an effortless blurred effect:


Spot the ride in this pic! Of course, with the origins of Ekka, you can expect to see a lot of cowboys, cowgirls, cowwomen, cowmen, cowbabies (calves?) and cows. So sad. At the cow enclosure they put there “Breeds for beef”. How you dare to eat?!



Evidence of the nippiness while suspended up there.


Why after a trip to the toilet you get almost nothing back despite spending a small fortune at Ekka leh? Because Ekka is about food as well! There seemed to be a lot of food meant for licking:


Strawbery ice-cream! A$5.50



Dagwood dog! A$3.80


Non-licking but something that reminded us of home…


Wah lao! Expensive reminder dey! A$8.90!


Of course! Ekka is also about vegetables, fruits and animals! For us urbanized kids, seeing animals in real life damn shocking. I think it would be even more shocking for our male counterparts because the male animal bits were real boinggg! Because of the bandwidth constrictions (!!!!!!!!), I shall just show you the more unusual creatures, but rest assured that there were pigs, goats, sheep, fish, poultry, cats, dogs, hamsters, mice, cows, deers, llamas, camels, horses, guinea pigs and then some:


Yes, this is chicken.



Yes, this is also chicken.



Something’s 屁屁.


There were also places to get various merchandizes that came in packages called showbags. Basically what we know as goodie bags ba! However, you need to pay for these, which they said were discounted already. Hmm… I didn’t get any. I too old to be taken in by these marketing gimmicks le! Hahahaha.... You ain’t gonna get my money!


So friendly that they waved when you were taking picture of the venue. In Singapore you get diao? Hahaha…


These were part of the grand finale! (Yah… I’m just putting up the more suggestive ones.)


“Where’s the egg?”



Rambutan in the sky!


Damn! I had bandwidth restrictions! Now I cannot show you all more about Ekka. It was really fun though I was frozen half the day. But never mind! You can never get frost-bite in Singapore! Must try!

*Thanks for the use of your bandwidth, somebody!