Out of this world

Some time ago, Don AQ had a post about roaches. This very interesting post invoked a feeling I thought I had lost.

When I was young, I sometimes had this feeling that everyone is distant from me. In a sense, I was fearful of people around me; people whom I had known all my life. My parents, my uncles, aunties, brothers, grandparents… I guess you can call it an out of body experience but it was nothing so fantastic. There was an overall sentiment of the world being surreal and nothing and no one is quite as they seemed. I felt that these people are not part of me nor my life. It was either I was artificial, not in this world or they were.

I wonder if everyone felt that way in some point of their lives. However, I did not want to be sent to an asylum and so, I did not ask anyone. If you have watched Constantine, you might know what happened next. I became Angela Dodson, and told myself that that I did not feel that way.

But, it never quite went away. Sometimes when I see someone, I feel he/she is not there (mentally detached from the physical being) and that reminded me of the same paranoia I have felt. When I tried to describe to my friends how I felt about XXX, they gave me the look. Maybe there are some people who think more and some who think less, others who don’t think at all. Perhaps I was one of those who think too much.

It’s possible that when I was young, I was physically smaller. Then it’s a feeling that no one will notice, no one will care if you are lost in the crowd. Now that I have come to assert myself as a human being, as “in this world”, I seldom feel this way.