I hate emoticon wars

You know how you can get customized emoticons for your MSN nowadays? I have a love-hate relationship with them. I love how you can inject these cutsy, moving pictures into your conversation to portray an image of being oh-so-sweet. Or use those with sexual connotations for well... connotations of other ideas.

What I hate is when it becomes a war with the other communication party. In the middle of the conversation, I will innocently put out one emoticon to make a point. Usually it is the one where nose-digging is thoroughly enjoyed:

What I am actually saying is "Pi sai to you!"

Then the other party will be all enraged and want to show his/her collection of emoticons, presumably returning with one that is meant to offend:

What the crap does this mean anyway? "Move your bowels"? I just did and thank you for asking about it.

Then, you know the challenge has been issued. So for the next 20 minutes, the most senseless kind of warring goes on, even more brainless than flaming. You just click and click and click. It is like a game of Snap: you just put down your cards and try to get as many cards as you can. The person who runs out of cards first loses. And in the meantime, you also collect more cards.

I know this is infantile and I can simply not reciprocate. But honor demands it and I shall triumph in this war of the emoticons! Muah, muah, muahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Cross-cultural exchange

During the break of one of my lessons, I was listening to a conversation between my friend, a Vietnamese and a guy, a Brazilian.

Friend (F): Can I ask you some questions about Spanish?
Guy (G): Sure. I only know a little bit though.

Then F proceeded to ask G about the niceties of the language. I simply had to interject when they paused for an interval between pronouncing “Hola”s, “Ola”s and “Buenas noches”s.

Jllt (to F): Why are you asking all these?! I would be interested in the vulgarities!
G: Yeah! Me too! Let’s learn some vulgarities.

And so we did. Isn’t it strange how you can struggle with the foreign greetings while cursing comes so easily? After some exchanges of the primary and mild swearwords in Mandarin and Spanish (“Hijueputa!!!”), M, a Japanese joined in.

M (to me): Hey! I want to ask you a question.
Jllt: Yep?
M (loudly): WHAT DOES CHEE BYE MEANS?

I nearly fell off my chair and when I composed myself, I realized no one around me lifted a brow at his question. I felt a sense of empowerment: I can swear in class now and no one will know what I’ve just said! So I went on in our very interesting cross-cultural exchange to explain to them what cb, lj and knnbccb all means. But I noticed that M’s brows were furrowed.

Jllt (to M): Eh! What’s wrong?
M: Now I know why Chinese look at me strangely when I tell them I came from Chiba, Japan.

I share his pain.

Analyze this

I walked into the lift and press the button to my level. Just as the doors were closing, a girl and another guy walked in. The doors closed and we were on our way. You know how Roald Dahl wrote of the lift in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, where it goes sideways, upwards, and diagonally? Well, it was like that and more. It moved at supersonic speed and refused to stop at where we wanted to. At first I thought it was rather cool because I might get to stop right at my door, like the lifts that lead up to penthouse. But I realized that it wasn’t going to stop.

It was then that I felt someone gripping my right arm. The girl was digging her fingernails right into my flesh, leaving white imprints on my now-clammy skin. Hey woman! I am scared too. The lift moved relentlessly from side to side, plunging from top to bottom in a second. When will it ever stop? We were all screaming, yet somehow we could not hear ourselves against the din our hearts were making in our chests. The guy was gripping the railing tightly, a thin film of perspiration on his upper lip.

Suddenly, it stopped. The interior was dented like a car involved in a car crash, like a tofu that was just hit by a hammer. Miraculously, the doors slide open and it was where the guy wanted to go. Still stunned by the paranormal ride, he stood rooted to the ground. For some reason, we were edging him to get out which in retrospect did not make any sense because we should have gotten out too instead of staying around to suffer the terrible lift ride that, hopefully, might take us to our destinations. It was all very strange. He walked out gingerly, and turned back once to look at us. There we stood, gesturing at him to hurry and be on his way.

The doors closed again and this time the lift was not just going to take us on a ride. Without warning, it plummeted downwards and crashed. I felt the blood beginning to flow back into my right arm. When I turned, I instantly knew she was dead as soon as I saw her.

I sat up straight in bed with my arms flailing above my head. Finally, I have woken up from the nightmare. But I was overcome by a strange compulsion and bit the tip of my third finger off my right hand. I remember staring at the exposed flesh and wondering why it wasn’t spurting blood.

Then I woke up for real, fingertip still attached.

Maybe you can help me analyze this nightmare. I just want a good night sleep.

The adventures of 黄熊熊 (Harbortown)

Hello everybody! I is had a great time with 美狗狗! So much fun that I is spent 15hrs outside! But that is not considered a lot under doggy years so 美狗狗 was very happy! We did not go to Gold Coast as she said but we is went to Harbortown! I is shocked at how women shop! Firstly we is take the car to go there because it is very far, about 45 minutes drive. And it is a hot day.

Me is wondering how long it will take to go there on bicycle. I is do not own a bicycle also. ):

But along the motorway, I is found out I is wanted!

I is hope not many people want to eat bear paw here or dog meat. U notice how the clouds in the sky is pointing towards the direction we is traveling? U is only but to follow the clouds to find us!

I is happy to be traveling with my camerawoman, driverman and laughingwoman! But most of all, I is happy that 美狗狗 nv flew my aeroplane! But she is shy so there will be no photos of her. I is not willing to share too! I is recommending Red Hot Chili Peppers’ Californication album for zooming down the highway at minimum of 110kmph. Camerawoman is very noisy because she is sings out of tune and laughed like the irritating hyena.

Luckily driverman can keep his cool although he is always asking her to shut up. I is think camerawoman is suffering from lack of sleep because she is told me she is never sleep the night before. I is surprised. I is think people never sleep would be tired and quiet but she is crazy, screaming suddenly, making stupid jokes like asking people what is the surname of a boy named happy and squeezing me. I is do not like to be squeezed. Unless by 美狗狗. *gig gig*

In order to escape camerawoman’s siaoness, I is think about what I is will do for the LOML (Love Of My Life). I is will:

Get bitten by giant rats*…

Hang from big black blood-sucking bats*…

And face scary ghosts*!

Yes, I is think I is will hand myself on a colorful plate for 美狗狗:

But I is not going to include cutlery.

We is reached!

I is the star dammit! Why I is blurred in this pic?

You is wondering what is Harbortown? I is give you clue. It is the place that allow women to go crazy and even men can go crazy here! The crazy for women will be good but for men it is no good. Why? It is a place full of factory outlets! So women can shop till they drop while men will carry and pay until wallet drop!

I is found a poster with my color! I is do not understand this advertisement. We is have two hind paws. Does it means we is get right shoe at original price and left shoe at 40% less? I is headache.

We is walk and walk. Then camerawoman is buy and buy. I is think she is crazy from no sleep. But I is having a good time because I is with 美狗狗. She is allow me to ride on her from time to time. I is like her furry back. She is has no fleas at all!

Suddenly, I is saw a weird-looking chicken:

Why is it crying?

I is know! Because I is its predator! I is love chicken!

I is wondering now why no one set up foundation to stop people from eating vegetables. Animals are alive, plants are alive. Why there is a difference? I is headache again. But I is found this argument from Peta. I is do not see the reasoning? No pain then no need to save? Why is people so worried about this girl who cannot feel pain then?

I is want to stop thinking so I is take photo with camerawoman who is a fellow chicken lover:

At this time, she is without sleep for 18 hours. I is sleepy already because I is bear that hibernate in winter. She is crazy. I is think all women got shopping no need anything else.

I is then follow them shop and shop. When it is time to go for dinner, I is surprised when I is reached the car:

There is no more cars even though the sky still so bright at 5pm! The parking lots is no more when we arrived. Now there space to park aeroplane, submarines, and maybe a Titanic. Opp! No more Titanic now.

We is went to eat Asian food. I is had more chicken!

It is nasi lemak. The leaves on top of the rice look like a pair of green kidneys!

I is told camerawoman I is want to spend more time with 美狗狗. She is give me a strange look and laughed loudly again. She is crazy but she is heard me so we is go to café later. I is a happy bear.

I is order a big muga cino to share with 美狗狗.

I is gentlebear and let 美狗狗 eat the foam and chocolate powder on top.

It is very sweet. I is hear many males do not like to share food. I is think it is romantic when sharing with the correct dog because you is feed me I is feed you. But I is do not like to share with girls who order salads and pick on my steak. Grrrrrrrrrrr… Luckily, 美狗狗 has a voracious appetite, eating a whole packet of pig’s ears.

I is want to impress 美狗狗 so I is ask camerawoman, driverman and laughingwoman to play daidee. Because I is a daidee expert. No other bears I know know how to play this complex game. But lousy camerawoman gave me a bad hand:

How can you win with this set?

Suddenly, camerawoman dropped onto the table. She is used up her adrenaline because there is no more shopping. So I is wake her up to let her lick our muga cino cup for some caffeine:

Humans are weak just like Stelarc said the body is obsolete. She is wearing thick peacoat and without sleep for 23hours. I is wearing thin red tee. She is lousy!

We is decided it is enough when laughingwoman also dropped onto table so we is head home. I is think women will die without shopping.


* I is thank my friends at Ikea for posing with me to show my readers my thinking. U is rawks!

The adventures of 黄熊熊 (Gold Coast)

HELLO EVERYBODY!!! U MUZ B WONDERING WHY I IS UP SO EARLY!!! 美狗狗 ASKS ME OUT AGAIN!!!

I IS A HAPPY DOG!

THATS Y I IS NO LONGER LIKE THAT!!!

I IS SLEEPS NAKED!!!

WISH ME A FUNS TRIP!!! I IS WILL TELL U ABT IT LATER!!!

The adventures of 黄熊熊

Hello everybody! I is the黄熊熊 aka HXX. Prease to meat every1! 2day, I is will share with u my going out adventures! It started when 美狗狗 asked me out on MSN:

Isn’t she the cutest?

Of course I is could not refuse her! But later she flew me aeroplane. )): But nvm, I is able 2 have fun by myself as you can see!

I is woke up very early wor. By 8am I is already in the car on my way around town. Got proof wan!

I is nv adjust the clock to lie to u ok!

I is having a good time looking out the car:

I is looking at a house that is for sale. I is thinking of moving out because my house now is too small to put my one red tee. What do u think?

But I is very scared when I is saw a bigger bear about 10”. So I is hurry to hide:

This is the secret compartment in the car I is built for emergencies like this.

Tada! I is reached the XXXX! You want to guess what it is?

No, no, it is not the same as XXX!

It is a brewery! Then I is walk around it until I is saw this big wheel.

It is also red and yellow like me so I is think that it is my friend, must take picture.

But the place is got alcohol. So I is feeling faint, must rest awhile.

This is my portable bed, a bit hard leh.

Then I is regained my strength and I is walking along. As I is strolling, I is thinking to myself, it would be great to be in Paris. It is a romantic place and I is would like to bring 美狗狗 there someday. After I is got the courage to ask her be my wife! (I is wonder what our children would look like.) I is must have been thinking very hard because I is at Paris!

See the tower behind me? I is in Paris.

But I is got too excited so I is stopped thinking, then I is brought back to Brisbane where I is shocked again! You know why Centro and Samsara closed in Singapore? I is tell you!

They moved to Brisbane! I is think they want to start their own Mohammad Sultan here in Milton, Brisbane. So secretive! Remember, I is the one who told you this first!

I is feeling tired so I is went home and eat strawberry yogurt. I is very lucky! The strawberries were spilling out of the cup!

This is my meal of the day.

I is tired now so I is going to sleep. Not very good to sleep immediately after eating. I is hope I is dun get fat.

Uber belated recommendation

I know I am retarded in this but watch Trainspotting if you can!

If not the whole show then at least this scene:

What the fuck is the droolsome and sometimes naked (in the show) Ewan McGregor doing? Watch the show la!

A*!

树也会大便?

There I was, minding my own business, rushing to the hostel office to get my phone activated before it closed at 4.30pm (Yes, that's the working hours here), when this dried brown poop dropped down from nowhere:

The tree was shitting! And it had lots more where that came from. Somemore, the shit will sometimes explode to give off tinier shits!

Aye, you know spring is coming when 树开始大便! I just hope I don't get caught when it has a diarrhoea.

Ekka day! YEE HA!

As promised, here’s the post about the day-long trip at Ekka! What is Ekka in the first place? I think it has some agricultural roots but to be sure, look up its website la. From my perspective, the Ekka is about spending money and getting almost nothing back after a trip to the loo! I spent a grand total of A$78 and here’s what I got:

The frog croaks out songs and the Winnie the pooh is so horribly distorted that it’s adorable!

Aren’t they adorable? I love quirky shits like this. To be honest, I was trying my hand at this game to win one of these big ass stuffed toys, preferably a Kermit:

Homer also cute! Doh!

But never mind! I had chance to flirt with the guy working at the stall. Maybe that’s why he gave me Winnie? I also don’t know wor. But that game leeched me of $10 lah! I think the giant stuffed toys also ‘Made in China’ like almost everything else in Australia. So there was the funfair with the money-sucking games and rides:

Boinggg cost A$30 ok! You give me money I use my zero-point send you bouncing la!

Want to check out the view from the ferris wheel? Sure! Only A$5 and you can also go home with a runny nose and a frozen butt.

The rides were all so similar to what we have in Downtown East that I had no interest to try any. Furthermore, need to pay wor! I is poor student! So I only took this bone-numbing, liquid-nitrogen-temperature A$5.50 ride that hung my housemate and I half-way up in the middle of no frikking where, that made our teeth chattered ceaselessly, our long shoulder-length hair stood on ends and our damn pictures turned out with an effortless blurred effect:

Spot the ride in this pic! Of course, with the origins of Ekka, you can expect to see a lot of cowboys, cowgirls, cowwomen, cowmen, cowbabies (calves?) and cows. So sad. At the cow enclosure they put there “Breeds for beef”. How you dare to eat?!

Evidence of the nippiness while suspended up there.

Why after a trip to the toilet you get almost nothing back despite spending a small fortune at Ekka leh? Because Ekka is about food as well! There seemed to be a lot of food meant for licking:

Strawbery ice-cream! A$5.50

Dagwood dog! A$3.80

Non-licking but something that reminded us of home…

Wah lao! Expensive reminder dey! A$8.90!

Of course! Ekka is also about vegetables, fruits and animals! For us urbanized kids, seeing animals in real life damn shocking. I think it would be even more shocking for our male counterparts because the male animal bits were real boinggg! Because of the bandwidth constrictions (!!!!!!!!), I shall just show you the more unusual creatures, but rest assured that there were pigs, goats, sheep, fish, poultry, cats, dogs, hamsters, mice, cows, deers, llamas, camels, horses, guinea pigs and then some:

Yes, this is chicken.

Yes, this is also chicken.

Something’s 屁屁.

There were also places to get various merchandizes that came in packages called showbags. Basically what we know as goodie bags ba! However, you need to pay for these, which they said were discounted already. Hmm… I didn’t get any. I too old to be taken in by these marketing gimmicks le! Hahahaha.... You ain’t gonna get my money!

So friendly that they waved when you were taking picture of the venue. In Singapore you get diao? Hahaha…

These were part of the grand finale! (Yah… I’m just putting up the more suggestive ones.)

“Where’s the egg?”

Rambutan in the sky!

Damn! I had bandwidth restrictions! Now I cannot show you all more about Ekka. It was really fun though I was frozen half the day. But never mind! You can never get frost-bite in Singapore! Must try!

*Thanks for the use of your bandwidth, somebody!