Wednesday, October 12, 2005


I remember the day he jumped. I got a call from SJ. I thought she was joking. It couldn't be true. I sat in the darkness of the room, I felt a little faint. I kept asking her to knock it out. He couldn't be dead. Why would he want to commit suicide?

I told my parents; they couldn't believe it. I was never close to him. We were just classmates but once, he was with my friend and frequently sought me out for advice on her likes and dislikes. Together, me, him and another friend went out to get presents for her. Throughout the day, I remember cracking jokes. I cannot remember specifically what it was, but I know it involved a lot of "pi sai". And I remember him massaging his cheeks, still laughing, pleading at me to stop for his face was aching. I felt happy to be thought of as funny and happy that people around me were happy. Yes, it was all about me.

Later, he bought us both presents; things we said we liked in the course of the day. It was his token of appreciation for our help in getting presents for his girl.

At the furneral, I burnt the incense in disbelief. We walked over to his coffin and it struck me. He was wearing his Blackburn Rovers jersey. There were scratches on his face. They were from the jump. All the memories of how he would fervently defend his favourite football team in class against all those Man U supporters came rushing back. I knew I was not his friend; had not been one for 2 years. Yet, I could not hold back the tears. Was it the guilt that I had not kept up the friendship? Was it seeing him lying there, perhaps finding the peace that had eluded him for so long? I did not know. And I still don't.

I couldn't stop crying. Strange glances were cast upon me. I could only remember the word "pi sai" and how happy he looked then. I was not his friend, yet my tears were streaming down my face. Someone should mourn, but who was I? Disgusted with myself, I left.

In the days to come, I went back and did not cry. I could laugh when they were talking about how he used to be. There was nothing I could do but send him on his last journey. I regret not knowing him before he took that path. Maybe I could have stopped him. But I know I was rubbish. I wasn't a friend.

That was four years ago. He was but eighteen. Today, I read about Clavion and thought of him. I hope they are both happier now.

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