Read my lips

Never quite knew if she's giving you the "ok" sign? No worries, mate! Today, we will focus on lips. Those on the face that is. What about the lips you say? Plenty! One can easier tell if a girl is interested from her lips. What are the "yes" lips and what are the "no" lips? What lips are telling you "Hmmmmm..."? Let me have a quick run-down on some of the most common types...

No
(In increasing intensity of NoNess)

N1. The Shh

First sign of trouble. Shut your trap and moonwalk away. While you still can look suave and all.

N2. The Poo

Sorry dude. You're still boring as hell. The Poo means she's trying very hard not to let her irritation show. Better exit before she pours her lychee martini at you.

N3. The Press

She's saying you're getting on her nerves. The Press never lies. She's probably ready to bash you up.

N4. The Thin Red Line

Slightly different from N3. but the difference is between life and death. She will bash you up. Too late to run now. See! Never listen to my advice in N1.

Maybe
(In decreasing intensity of MaybeNess)

M1. The Bite

She's a little unsure. You are standing on the border here. Definitely a no-no time for cheesy pick-up lines. Make a monkey face and you can upgrade to a Yes lips.

M2. The Fake

Identify this by the corners of the mouth. Are the dents there deeper than in a normal, sincere smile? In that case, you have The Fake. Again, use monkey face to come to the rescue.

Yes
(In increasing intensity of YesNess)
Y1. The Smile

Note the more shallow dents at the corners of the mouth and the presence of teeth. This is how you can differentiate The Smile from The Fake. She's warming up. Good job, Ace.

Y2. The Pout

The Pout signifies the time when she's starting to think that making out will not be such a bad idea after all. Work that charm!

Y3. The Open

Ah ha! She's officially open to your suggestions now! But keep it simple first. You don't want to scare her off right?

Y4. The Tip

Touching the tip of her tongue with her lips/teeth is very good progress for you indeed! She will probably make the suggestion first. Or maybe she'll just go straight for the kill.

Y5. The Slide

Definitely a come-hither! Since she's already at this stage, let her make the move yeah? Will be a good time to pop the mint.

Y6. The Lippy

She's getting ready to pucker up. Anytime now.

Y7. The Pucker

*Smooch smooch*

The Uh-oh

Hello mister! You used your tongue and passed drool is it? Cannot save you already!

What is the thing "U Like"?

Ladies and gentlemen! Drumroll please... ... ...
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What is "U Like"?

"U Like" is a part of...

A lizard/cockroach trap!!!

Question: What the fuck are the buns on it for?
Answer: Simple. It's the bait! Lizards and cockroaches like to have a share of our food but we selfish humans are scared of the diseases they might transfer to us. At the same time, we don't want to spend more money to put real food bait on pest traps so we have the buns! We guarantee U Like!

Question: What the... You mean that thing can actually catch lizards and such?
Answer: No problem, my friend! You paste U Like at places where house pests are likely to be found and you wait. And you wait. Then you wait some more. Maybe one more day. Erm, another week perhaps? One day, when Mr. Lizard or Mrs. Cockroach comes out for a stroll, the trap will be all ready for it! We guarantee U Like!

Question: Right... What's in it that makes it such a high-tech nifty tool?
Answer: It is high-tech alright! We have an adhesive inside U Like that will make passing lizards and cockroaches stick to it. As we know, lizards and roaches don't wear shoes, so they cannot simply just remove their footwear and go ahead with stealing our morsels! U Like has what we call the "Quicksand®" mechanism. The more they struggle, the more they will be stucked to U Like. We guarantee U Like!

Question: Eeeeeee... Then won't it be gross to discard? I mean the lizzies and xiao qiangs will be all moving around or maybe all dried up by the time we get to throwing the trap away.
Answer: That's why we have the high-tech Power Cover® on top! It obscures their struggles and we can just dispose of them in the chutes and never worry about food-stealing pests again! We guarantee U Like!

Question: Erm... Who will use it?
Answer: Anyone who likes to leave his/her food uncovered! Or anyone who is scared of lizards and cockroaches. You know, I have this at home. The first day, it caught 2 lizards. The second day, it caught another one. It's that useful! I have one more in the bathroom to catch the lizard that always appears when I shower in the morning. Although I still open my eyes at all times to see if it has been trapped, I feel more at ease with U Like around. We guarantee U Like!

***

And I was inspired. So I came up with an idea that I think will be a great source of income once I get it patented. Here it is:

Da Trappo®©!!!

Da Trappo®© is a novel invention by yours truly. It is a boyfriend/girlfriend/hunk/babe catcher. I have also prepared my own list of anticipated Frequently Asked Questions.

Question: Why is it call Da Trappo®©?
Answer:"Da" sounds cool yeah? Very in and funky. Not obiang, not orbib. Then with it being marketed as a high-tech product, I want the "Trappo" inside to sound Japanese since we know the Japanese come up with a lot of techie products. Da Trappo®© ends your singlehood!

Question: Eh... It looks complex. Care to explain how it works?
Answer: Oh! It's extremely user friendly. There are 7 parts to Da Trappo®©, two of which are optional!

1. Da Userto®©
Da Userto®© is defined as the person who utilizes Da Trappo®©. Sometimes we can also refer to Da Userto®© as Da Desperadoto®©. He/she will be the one who is single and looking for love. And he/she will have Da Someone®© in mind. Da Userto®© does not dare to approach Da Someoneto®© and this is where Da Trappo®© comes in.

2. Da Someoneto®©
Da Someoneto®© is defined as the person who is targeted by Da Userto®©. He/she is usually a hunk/babe whom, according to our extensive research, the less physically appealing Da Userto®© is interested in but dares not approach. Then, this is where Da Tapeto®© enters the scene to execute the singlehood that has plagued Da Userto®© for his/her past 30 years.

3. Da Tapeto®©
Da Tapeto®© is my work after 2 minutes of extensive, painstaking creativity. In essence, it is a big piece of adhesive that is used to capture Da Someoneto®© as he/she walks past. It will cause Da Someoneto®© to be stucked on Da Tapeto®© until Da Userto®© is ready to come and collect him/her. Now, we know humans wear shoes and can easily remove their footwear and evade Da Tapeto®©. No fears! I have the next mechanism to take care of that!

4. Da Banana Peel Releaseto®© and 5. Da Remoteto®©
Da Banana Peel Releaseto®© is what makes Da Trappo®© so high-tech! It has a remote triggered mechanism that allows Da Userto®© to release the banana peel at the right time. When Da Userto®© sees Da Someoneto®© approaching Da Tapeto®©, he/she can press Da Big Red Buttonto®© on Da Remoteto®©. Then Da Someoneto®© will slip on the peel and fall onto Da Trappo®©. Ta-da! Da Someoneto®© is trapped and ready for collection!

6. Da Treeto®© (optional)
Da Treeto®© is very useful when Da Userto®© is waiting for Da Someoneto®© to come along and to know when to activate Da Banana Peel Releaseto®©. I know Da Userto®© don't want Da Someoneto®© to know he/she is waiting for his/her approach and Da Treeto®© effectively shields Da Userto®© from his/her view!

7. Da Grassto®© (optional)
In order for Da Someoneto®© not to see Da Tapeto®©, Da Grassto®© comes in handy as a camouflage! Da Someoneto®© will never suspect a thing! Brilliant!

At the end of it, Da Userto®© can collect Da Someoneto®© from Da Tapeto®© and start a relationship with him/her. Da Trappo®© ends your singlehood!

Question: Hmm.. Profound design indeed! Do you think you can successfully get a patent?
Answer: Why not? Since things like sandwiches can try for a patent, I don't see why something as cheem as Da Trappo®© cannot be granted one! I am very sure that it is novel, contains an inventive step (by virtue of Da Banana Peel Release®©) and is capable of industrial application for Da Trappo®© ends your singlehood!

***

Yes, ladies and gentlemen. You are reading the blog of a person who will go down in history as the most successful matchmaker ever. But you can play an important role too! I am currently seeking investors for capital to come up with the prototype. Feel free to leave a comment and I will email you my proposal as soon as possible. Remember, Da Trappo®© ends your singlehood!

"U like"?

What is this "U Like" a part of?

Make a guess and find out tomorrow!

How to take photos of yourself for Friendster

Today, I will share some tips on how to achieve looks that are frequently spotted on Friendster. Firstly, let's run through the materials needed:

Materials
- Camera (duh)
- Yourself (most people would choose to photograph the face but it's your call)
- Fingers
- Cropping tools (it will never do to let people see that you took picture of yourself)
- Photoshop tools (depending on chosen look)

And we have some pre-photoshoot preparations:

Preparation
- Make-up (vital)
- Hair styling (optional)

Why is make-up essential? Pammy here will show us the obvious:

Before

After

***
Now, the different looks:

The Wannabe Famous Blogger Look®
Also known as the "I'm-too sexy-for-my-blog" look, the tongue is necessary to execute this style. We have a number of precendents from Big Fuck, Mr Brown and Xiaxue. It is important to note that the tongue should be peeking like such:

And not fully extended to show the slime on it like so (it's subtleness, darling; not disgust):

The Hardworking Photoshopper Look®
You can use a number of artistic styles such as color modification (black & white/sepia) or changes to illumination (diffused glow and such). Whatever it is, the ultimate look is to show the original:

Have been given a face-lift:

(Note the importance of cropping to frame a Friendster photo)

Lazy to Photoshop you say? No problem. The next one is for you.

The Lazy To Photoshop Look®
Don't give a shit about enhancing photos yet want to look your best? No need to fret, sweetie. Try the Blurring Style® registered by your truly. If you have a high-tech camera, lower your shutter speed and slightly shift the camera immediately after taking the photo. Or you can choose the night mode and move your hand after pressing the shutter release. Alternatively, get a 0.5 megapixel camera and that should provide for an obscured photo that does not require any digital manipulation. The end result will be like this:

(Note that make-up is indispensible for this look because it helps Friendster browsers locate your features. Sorry guys, it's the same for you.)

The Mysterious Look®
For this, we need a mirror. The Mirror Reflection Style® confounds reality. It gives Friendster browsers the feeling that it is you, yet there is something perplexing that they cannot quite put their fingers on: the flash seems to come from nowhere. To achieve this look, position camera so you know you will be able to capture your reflection. Flash is paramount for the out-of-this-world look. And thus, we have:

The Paris Hilton Look®
Other than wearing next to nothing, you need to have a Mouth Half-Opened Style®. Of course, you need to give off a look that is synonymous with the bedroom. No mean feat, but practice makes perfect, sugar. Here's a little trick: look sideways; never directly at the camera for that suggestion of having a secret that everyone already know. We will end up with:

The Teacher/Demure Look®
Need to maintain a squeaky clean image? Here's the style for you. Remember your props: spectacles, hair styling products (no flyaways, dear), and a big bright smile. With regards to the smile, it is important to make sure your eyes smile too. You don't want to be accused as a phoney, do you? Say cheese:

The Ah Siao Look®
That was too stuffy for your liking? Want to portray the real, fun-looking you? To convey your exciting self, do the cock-eyed, twisted mouth, tilted head shot. Easily you can achieve this:

The Want To Get Weird Messages Look®
Ah! Can use The Paris Hilton Look® but to appeal to local guys, I would suggest a cutesy, girlish style that is The Come-HitHer Style®. There are a few variations but the main premise is to give off wide-eyed innocence. Can be paired with pouting/kissing lips that gives you:

The Don't Want To Get Weird Messages Look®
Finally, for those who are anti-social, try The Asexual Style®. Gals: draw moustache, beard and hide hair. Guys: wear wig, put make-up. Both: learn from Ru Hua. What you will achieve:

***
That's all for today, folks! Lesson over!

Happy Foot's Story Part II

Last heard on Happy Foot's Story Part I:
Angry Plaster attached himself onto Happy Foot and no one knows what will become of Happy Foot. With Happy Sole for company, Happy Foot finally managed to fall asleep.
***
The next day, Happy Foot woke up alone. Happy Sole was nowhere to be seen (moral: never trust anything anyone says even if he/she swore on his/her sole). And Angry Plaster was still on poor Happy Foot.

Much to Happy Foot's amazement, Angry Plaster decided to leave!

Why? It was because Happy Foot's tears had soaked Angry Plaster's mask and turned it brown!

Now the tables had turned. Angry Plaster was the poor thing, with a dirty mask attached to him and being all out of shape in his haste to leave Happy Foot. It must be very painful.

Although Happy Foot was also wet from her own tears, she was glad that Angry Plaster had left. Happy Foot was happy again.

***The End***

Happy Foot's Story Part I

One day, Happy Foot was very glad to finally get a rest. She has had a long day walking around during the sales.

Then something she had never seen came into her view, disrupting her rest. What was it?

It was angry plaster! And he had a mask with him!

To Happy Foot's horror, Angry Plaster started wearing his mask. What does he want?

With his mask in place, Angry Plaster approached a very frightened Happy Foot...

And attached himself to her!

Poor Happy Foot was trembling in fear. Happy Sole came along and tried to pacify her, "Things will be better in the morning! Why don't you take a rest and when you wake up, you will know this is all just a bad dream. I'll be here all night taking sweet loving care of you. There there."

Taking Happy Sole's advice, Happy Foot tried to fall asleep. Happy Sole kept to her words and accompanied her.

***
Will Angry Plaster leave Happy Foot?
Or will Happy Foot be forever stucked with Angry Plaster?
What will happened to them both?
Stay tuned for "Happy Foot's Story Part II"!

Characters from Arts tutorials

So, my undergraduate life will conclude in a few more days. I was trying to recall the people I have met in my tutorials who have provided my friends and I with endless hours of bitching and came up with the following:

Miss Know-It-All
She doesn’t have any knowledge of the topic at hand and yet she wants to pretend that she has written a PhD thesis on it. Distinguishing characteristics comprise of speaking in fake accents, poor articulation, a persistence to be heard and an overall dizzying impact on the listeners.

Mr. What-If
Your stomach is rumbling because of him. It’s time for lunch and you are held back because Mr. What-If is engaged in an irrelevant discussion with the tutor. He will be grilling the tutor with examples and seeking replies on how to apply concepts. As we all know there can be endless scenarios and so it’s bye-bye to lunch.

Miss I-Like-This-So-I-Must-Be-An-Expert-On-This
If the discussion is about X which/whom she likes/idolizes, she will gladly retort to any criticisms with much “proficiency”. Her arguments will revolve around the critics not understanding what X is REALLY about (read: she knows everything there is to know about it). However, to support her case, she turns to using stereotypes and sweeping statements such as “Everyone knows X is cute”. In other words, her adoration of X has qualified her as an authority on all things X and be prepared for your negative assessment to be pushed aside by the expert.

Mr. Use-Cheem-Words
This is the person who loves to throw in words to make his arguments sound more profound when he actually has no idea what he is talking about. Words in his vocabulary include: deconstruction, hegemony, discourse, juxtaposition, ideological and re-contextualization.

Miss I-Agree-With-Everything-Everyone-Has-Said
A lot of times, the portrayal of such consensus can be shown non-verbally with a nod of the head or some kind of gestures. Not for Miss I-Agree-With-Everything-Everyone-Has-Said. She will have to recapitulate what everyone has said without adding any value to the discussion. Listeners will be left with a “so?” question in their minds. A very blatant attempt to get better grades for class participation.

Mr. Talk-About-Sex
You can identify him easily. He likes to link all topics back to gender/sex during class discussions. For him, the simple dichotomy of male and female apply to all instances. Usually he likes to drop phrases such as “ego masturbation”, “massages my pride”, “mental intercourse”; generally words with sexual connotations.

I like my field of study but the pretentiousness of certain individuals can be too overwhelmingly arty-farty. I think I'll miss them. Pui!