Characters from Arts tutorials

So, my undergraduate life will conclude in a few more days. I was trying to recall the people I have met in my tutorials who have provided my friends and I with endless hours of bitching and came up with the following:

Miss Know-It-All
She doesn’t have any knowledge of the topic at hand and yet she wants to pretend that she has written a PhD thesis on it. Distinguishing characteristics comprise of speaking in fake accents, poor articulation, a persistence to be heard and an overall dizzying impact on the listeners.

Mr. What-If
Your stomach is rumbling because of him. It’s time for lunch and you are held back because Mr. What-If is engaged in an irrelevant discussion with the tutor. He will be grilling the tutor with examples and seeking replies on how to apply concepts. As we all know there can be endless scenarios and so it’s bye-bye to lunch.

Miss I-Like-This-So-I-Must-Be-An-Expert-On-This
If the discussion is about X which/whom she likes/idolizes, she will gladly retort to any criticisms with much “proficiency”. Her arguments will revolve around the critics not understanding what X is REALLY about (read: she knows everything there is to know about it). However, to support her case, she turns to using stereotypes and sweeping statements such as “Everyone knows X is cute”. In other words, her adoration of X has qualified her as an authority on all things X and be prepared for your negative assessment to be pushed aside by the expert.

Mr. Use-Cheem-Words
This is the person who loves to throw in words to make his arguments sound more profound when he actually has no idea what he is talking about. Words in his vocabulary include: deconstruction, hegemony, discourse, juxtaposition, ideological and re-contextualization.

Miss I-Agree-With-Everything-Everyone-Has-Said
A lot of times, the portrayal of such consensus can be shown non-verbally with a nod of the head or some kind of gestures. Not for Miss I-Agree-With-Everything-Everyone-Has-Said. She will have to recapitulate what everyone has said without adding any value to the discussion. Listeners will be left with a “so?” question in their minds. A very blatant attempt to get better grades for class participation.

Mr. Talk-About-Sex
You can identify him easily. He likes to link all topics back to gender/sex during class discussions. For him, the simple dichotomy of male and female apply to all instances. Usually he likes to drop phrases such as “ego masturbation”, “massages my pride”, “mental intercourse”; generally words with sexual connotations.

I like my field of study but the pretentiousness of certain individuals can be too overwhelmingly arty-farty. I think I'll miss them. Pui!

The best...

Aphrodisiac in the world:

Especially the temporal (hearing) and occipital (sight) lobes and olfactory bulb (enlightened by Big Fuck); to feel and imagine

***Error higlighted by Big Fuck:"Haha...hate to nitpick, but the olfactory bulb is just about where your 'b' is in 'temporal lobe', and it's involved in smell." No idea what that means but I don't want to be accused of being infantile so here's an intellectual input.

Boyfriend in the world:

One and only

Camera in the world (because it's mine):

Casio Exilim EX-Z40

Chococlate in the world:

Ritter Sport's Whole Hazelnut

Drink in the world:

Coffee before exams

Earrings brand in the world (because it's cheap, big and with new arrivals every week!):

Forever 21

Friends in the world (for the past 8 years at least!):

My sweethearts

Gift in the world (cuddly and with a weird big head. What more can a girl ask for?):

Ah Pan

Good luck to me for my IP law paper! (@_@")

Hot date of the month

Pretty cute eh?

You can win a date with him. Find out more in Female magazine, May 2005!

Weeeeeeeeeeeeee

I'm in Cartman Land!

Click on image to make your own!

PE time

In retrospect, I wonder why we had such boring activities for PE dring primary school. There are so many weird things that we used to do. Some of the teachers are so unimaginative. We have

The Bean Bags
We take these

Funny leh. My school's were of the identical brown and with the same fragrance. Nothing like these.

Put on the head

That's right sonny. If you dropped your head, you have to pick it up and secure it above your shoulders before you can put the bean bags on.

No use trying to reject the dirty old things

Not even if you have blue eyes and blonde hair.

Futile trying to shoot teachers down with a fierce look

Maybe showing your tattoos would help a little.

Because we had to put the darn bags on our heads and walk a distance. Yay. How fun.

Hula Hoops
Nothing quite as sexy as the hooters girls

Seductive as hell.

But just to take these

Ours weren't so colorful as well.

And hula away

There were even road signs to teach us.

Gym
There were days of the dragging out mats

"Hey! Why you lying on the mat, dumbass? We are supposed to take them for gym!"

To be placed in the gymnasium

Ours wasn't quite as spankling new also.

Where we were told/made to twist our arms out of our sockets

Our underwear weren't so cute too.

Egg and Spoon
For which we take an egg

The teachers knew we haven't had lunch.

Put a spoon

Sometimes they gave us teaspoons.

Under it, like so

Sometimes it was ostrich eggs and teaspoons.

And then walk. Again.

Our field had centipides. Lots of them.

Why can't we just play normal games, like basketball or soccer, teacher?

Things you cannot have when you were young

Are always the ones you have most of when you grow up. Mum made me use the same bag from primary 1 to primary 4 despite my multiple pleas to get a new bag. Now all I ever get are bags.

The more you cannot have it, the more you want it. Yellowpony mentioned this in her post about her friend's observation that guys do not want straight-forward girls because they do not feel the challenge. Thinking about it from this perspective, wouldn't that mean guys will get bored of girls they "get" already? No more challenge liaoz right?

I so want a musical box right now. You know, the kind that is a bright ugly pink on the outside and has a ballerina on the inside? Because I was deprived of it in my childhood. Can no longer find it around, so the picture is the next best thing:

The pink on the outside is not even ugly enough. Sucks.

Attacked!

One day, I was minding my own business, mugging very hard for my exams when this came along:

It bit me and turned me from:

to:

Boohoohoo.

Appearance pull

You remember the time, when you were young, when you used to have crushes? Well, I don't. That's because I never had one. My friends always have someone (sometwo/threes/n at times) to go ga ga over. I had none. Not that it matters, but I really wonder what kind of appearance appeals to me. See, you can already gather I'm someone who seeks intelligence. Muahahaha...

So that lay dormant for a while. Then I chanced upon this program called stortroopers that is reminiscent of the paper dolls I used to play. Maybe can try to create a guy which I think would appeal to me. So this is what I had:

Eeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! Negative example! This is so not what a guy should be like. No F4 lookalikes for me. Firstly, the hair is wrong. What if he spends more time fiddling with his hair than fiddling me? Then what’s with the purple shades man. Tank top? Erm… With this body, still ok la. All white ensemble reminds me of the uncles in the band at funerals or

Patrick Tse.

Imagine stripping him now…
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We have:

Red undies below white pants! Fashion boo boo ala Chiu Chi Ling in Kung Fu Hustle.

Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the yummilicious guy:

Oh wow! Isn't he awesome? What an eye candy! Pristine white shirt coupled with jeans for the laid back look. Hair that doesn’t require tucking behind the ears. Nice golden tan with sexy stubble. OMG OMG OMG!!!

Not like I’ve never seen this kind of guy in Singapore. There have been quite a few, but it’s just seeing for me. Maybe this is how I differ from my friends: I just admire and forget. My friends? No, no, no. They talk about the guy(s), how he looks today, yesterday, tomorrow. And his character, mannerism and attitude. All these from afar. No point speculating right? Give me intelligence anyday!

I'm so tired, of playing
Playing with this bow and arrow
Gonna give my heart away
Leave it to the other girls to play
For I've been a temptress too long

Just. .

Give me a reason to love you
Give me a reason to be, a woman
I just wanna be a woman

(Portishead, Glory Box)

I'm not a player.
***Update: 8.49PM

Rob Thomas' new look. *4 thumbs up*

Women do crazy things

"How can you girls balance on those things?” A guy friend once asked. Naturally he was referring to stilettos. On another occasion, the same friend (you can gather that he is quite clueless about female fashion) asked, “Hey Janice! Why do you have a towel wrapped around you?” He was pointing at her tube.

I guess his behavior is a clear demonstration of how guys can never fathom why girls do the things they do. I mean, who in their right minds would want to walk around with on 3” stilts?

Quite crazy right? Not only that, girls like to subject themselves to pain and torture. All in the name of beauty.

We allow sharp objects to get near our eyes just to remove minuscule hair:

We tear during the process, but anything for perfect arches:

But if this is for guys to notice us more, it is a useless attempt. After Sherry got her brows removed by 50%, she looked like another person to us girls. But when her mother asked her brother to guess what was different about her, he mumbled that she had a giant pimple on her nose. So guys, pay attention!!!

Then there is the whole bizarre act of putting glob of glop on our faces, sometimes white:

Sometimes black:

Even though we know guys will not notice that blackheads have vanished from our noses. Who will sympathize with what we went through to remove those darned things? We have watery and blood-shot eyes from the glop molecules that got into our pretty peepers:

Also on our lists is to experiment with things that can make us different from the rest of ‘em girls. There’s the whole arsenal of make-up and beauty products; then we sometimes burn our hair to make it curl like those Jappie kawaii girls local guys seem to love, and from time to time, we give colored contacts a go:

Often ending up with scarlet eyes.

Why oh why do girls do such outlandish things? Is it to attract guys? Or to gain admiration from fellow females? To get on the cover of magazines?

Alas! All these are fruitless. Firstly, it has been proven that guys will not notice that you have eyeliner on today and not yesterday. Secondly, though the female of the species will notice your tiny changes (let’s face it girls, we are all bitches scrutinizing every other female on the streets), they rather die than to admit that you look nice (read: they look less nice). Thirdly, magazines look for celebrities, not virtual unknowns (Hey! I like that pun. Virtual unknowns, geddit???)

At the end of the day, girls do all these and whip out our digital cameras to practice narcissism because we are our biggest admirers.

Why you shouldn't scold someone a pig

Firstly, it’s my Chinese zodiac. Ah… how accurate; “models of sincerity, purity, tolerance, and honor”.

Secondly, the pig is an animal that has taken centre stage in stories and movies. Ever heard of the clever pig who built a brick house in Three Little Pigs? Or have you watched the smart pig in

Babe, Pig in the City? Whoever has heard of a stupid pig in popular culture?

Thirdly, truffles, which cannot be deliberately planted, are dug up by pigs. The best of these precious delicacies are worth up to US$1,500 for a miserly pound.

4. You say pigs are dirty and fat? Contrary to belief, they are extremely clean and only wallow in mud because they cannot sweat and cleverly use the mud to cool themselves down.

5. Pet pigs have been known to be fiercely loyal to their owners. If you watch Animal Planet, NGC or Discovery Channel, you might have come across incidences of potbellied pigs foiling burglary attempts. In one case, two burglars tried to rob an old woman who had just pulled into her garage. Enraged by what it saw, her pet pig moved in and starting gnawing at one man’s leg and refused to let go. Fearing for the man’s life, the kind old lady had to call her pig off the man. So no money gained but quite a bit of blood lost.

So the next time someone “scolds” you a pig, say thank you and show this:

Now, that's a real vulgarity.

I am a

Gemini!

I always tell people it is good to be born on the 29th of May. Firstly, my birthday is a celebration of:

1. My birthday of course (though I wonder if there is anything to celebrate as I get older. More “experience”? >_<” )
2. The end of examinations
3. The school holidays
4. The fact that it does not fall in June nor July where there are Great Singapore Sales to negate my birthday discounts

It’s a pretty cool zodiac:
1. You will never be bored with a Gemini around! She’s the life of party and a great conversationalist. Topics that she enjoys are of a vast and diverse range, from the intellectual to the gossips, she knows it all!
2. She’s flexible in more ways than one. Do guys need more reasons to date a woman who can put her feet behind her ears?
3. Ironic wit and sarcasm are her forte. Initiate a debate and you will be amazed by her knowledge.
4. Of multiple personalities, you can have several types of women all rolled into one. Monogamy with a Gemini is starting to sound attractive eh?
5. Doing many things at the same time is her specialty; what’s more is she can do them well. Which guy wouldn’t want someone who is good with her hands?

And there are some very practical reasons for which being/posing as a Gemini is an advantage:
1. You get not one, not two, but three exposures when you do a photo shoot for America’s Next Top Model!
2. You are not the oldest of your cohort, nor are you the baby! There is no extremeness aversion.

Date a Gemini today!

***Disclaimer: Actually I am not a fan of Horoscopes. Who cares what you can predict from the stars anyway?